Humour quotes

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny.
I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys. I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up. I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
My brain? That's my second favorite organ. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman. I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No. The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty. Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes. I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm. This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
Success is the only unforgivable sin against thy neighbor Optimism is lack of information. A real man is the one who remembers the lady's birthday, but never knows how old she is.
A man who never remembers her birthday, but knows exactly how old she is, - is her husband.
Family can replace everything. So, before starting a family, one should think what's more important: family or everything. ...when you get married, then you'll undersrand what happiness is. But it will be too late.
God created women beautiful – so that men can love them – and stupid – so that they can love men. If a patient wants to live, doctors are impotent. Women critics are amazons in climax. A fairytale is when you marry a frog and it turns out to be a princess. Reality is vice versa. If a woman walks with her head down – she has a lover! If a woman walks with her head proudly up – she has a lover! If a woman carries her head straight – she has a lover! And actually, if a woman has a head, she has a lover! Women are, of course, more intelligent. Have you ever heard of a woman that would lose her head only because a man has pretty legs? Lesbians, homosexuals, masochism, sadism are not perversions. Actually, there are only two perversions: hockey on grass and ballet on ice. Old age is the time when birthday candles cost more than the birthday cake itself, and half of your urine is wasted on medical testing. Life is a sky-dive: out of a cunt, into the grave. Union of stupid men and stupid women leads to mother-heroine.
Union of stupid women and clever men raises the mother alone.
Union of smart women and foolish men creates a normal family.
Union of intelligent men and women leads to easy flirt.
You can't cure Alzheimer's, but you can forget about it. They all have friends just like themselves, - their friendship is rooted in shopping, they almost live in the malls, they pay visits to each other. Oh how I envy the brainless! - I've killed 5 flies today: two males and three females.
- How were you able to figure that out?
- Two of them were sitting on the beer bottle, and three - on the mirror.
Why are condoms white? Because white visually enlarges. - Believe it or not, but the only man who has ever kissed me is my fiance.
- So are you bragging or complaining about it, dear?
- What women are more faithful: blondes or brunettes?
- Grey-haired.
Everybody complain about their appearance and nobody about their brains. To stay thin a woman must eat in front of a mirror and naked. If you people do evil to you - give them candy, they give you evil - you give them candy... And so on, as long as they will have diabetes. There are no fat women, only tight clothes. If you suddenly became bad for someone, it means that much good was done for that person. There are people yuo want to come up to and ask if it's hard to live without a brain. Under the most beautiful peacock tail it's always hidden the usual chicken ass. - How many times a lifetime a woman blushes?
- A woman blushes four times in her life: on the first wedding night; the first adultery; when taking money the first time; when giving money the first time.
- And a man?
- Two times: the first time, when he can't do it the second time; and the second time, when he can't do it the first time.
If you want to lose weight - eat half bucket less! When I retire, I will do absolutely nothing. The first months I'm just going to sit in a rocking chair.
- And then?
- And later I'll begin to sway
Damn nineteenth century, damn education: I cannot stand when men sit. Only a pill, a brain and an ass have the second part. I'm originally whole. - What Is baldness?
- It's a slow but progressive transformation of a head into an ass. First, the shape, and then, the content.
- Why do women pay so much time and money to their appearance rather than the intelligence?
- Because blind men are much fewer than smart.
Why all the fools are such women? - How do you think, is modern medicine making progress?
- Yes, certainly is. When I was young, I had to take off my clothes for examination every time, and now it's enough to show my tongue.
- You still look so young and beautiful!
- I'm afraid, I can't tell you the same compliment...
- But you can lie, as I did.
- When you come to me, knock at the door with your legs.
- Why legs?
- Well, but you won't come empty-handed!
Eating alone is as natural as shitting in company. - Is sitting in the restroom a physical or a mental labor?
- Of course, it's a mental labor, if it were physical, I would hire a man.
I am obliged to friends who have honored me with a visit, and deeply grateful to those who deprived me of this honor. Now, when people are embarrassed to say that they don't want to die, they say they really want to survive, to see what will happen next.
It's like if it were not so, they immediately would be willing to lie in a coffin.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15. How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.
If the Soviet Union let another political party come into existence, they would still be a one-party state, because everybody would join the other party.
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring. If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes. Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken! The truth is, every son raised by a single mom is pretty much born married. I don't know, but until your mom dies it seems like all the other women in your life can never be more than just your mistress. Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let's say you're southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listening to AM radio. Up alongside comes a tractor trailer of logs or concrete pipe, a tie-down strap breaks, and the load dumps on top of your little sheetmetal ride. Crushed under a world of concrete, you're sandwiched like so much meat salad between layers of steel and glass. In that last, fast flutter of your eyelids, you looking down that long tunnel toward the bright God Light and your dead grandma walking up to hug you - do you want to be hearing another radio commercial for a mega, clearance, closeout, blow-out liquidation car-stereo sale? Tyler lies back and asks, "If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?"

I say, goodnight.

The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, "Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'

Clawing at the roof of her coffin.
Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead. Let me be the ring leader in your guilt gang-bang
I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut - or get angry from the gut. There is only one amount of money - just not enough. "I don't remember a single monster before I met you." he'd told Amphibian.
"Now they seem to be all over the place."
"You mean there wasn't anything you were afraid of?" the Amphibian had asked him.
"What did they look like?"
It was a funny question.
"They didn't look like anything. They were ideas," Tom told him. "Like not being able to pay rent, or being lonely."
"That's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard." the Amphibian replied.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Because it makes a good story.
The Sloth would sit on his couch, paralyzed by all the things he wasn't taking care of.
Then one day, a Wednesday, he just said, "Fuck it!"
He threw his hands up into the air and said, 'Fuck it!' This was the day that the sloth discovered his superpower, an amazing ability to say "Fuck it" and really, truly mean it.
"We're here," the Clock says.
The Perfectionist opens her eyes. She sees nothing. It's white. All white. There's no up. There's no down. No horizon. Nothing. It's just white.
"Clock, what is this?" asks the Perfectionist. Her voice is shaky.
"This is the future."
"This is the future?" the Perfectionist asks. Her mouth is dry. She forces herself to swallow.
"Why is the future like this?"
"Because it hasn't happened yet," says the Clock
When Aquatics are overwhelmed, they seek out the tallest object in view, lie on their backs, put their heads against it and look up. The ritual is called litill, and its purpose is to remind believers that they are actually quite small and, therefore, so are their problems.
"Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.
Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.
"Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking..."
"Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?"
"You called her a liar?"
"You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?"
"Have a biscuit, Potter.
Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.
"You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed.
"I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge.
Cinderella? Snow White? What's that? An illness? Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet. "Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –"
"Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."
"Great idea though, thanks, Mum."
He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy... Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back. "Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.
One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore.
"Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books."
"Ginny!" said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. "Haven't I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain?" Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation! What happened down in the dungeons between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally the whole school knows. "So top grade's O for 'Outstanding,'" Hermione was saying, "and then there's A-"
"No, E," George corrected her, "E for 'Exceeds Expectations.' And I've always thought Fred and I should've got E in everything, because we exceeded expectations just by turning up for the exams.
I make mistakes like the next man. In fact, being - forgive me - rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger. "Your aunt and uncle will be proud, though, won't they?" said Hermione as they got off the train and joined the crowd thronging toward the enchanted barrier. "When they hear what you did this year?"
"Proud?" said Harry. "Are you crazy? All those times I could've died, and I didn't manage it? They'll be furious..."
Lockhart'll sign anything if it stands still long enough. "Are you planning to follow a career in Magical Law, Miss Granger?" asked Scrimgeour.
"No, I’m not," retorted Hermione. "I'm hoping to do some good in the world!"
"Our Headmaster is taking a short break", said Professor McGonagall, pointing at the Snape-shaped hole in the window. His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.
I wish he was mine, he's really divine,
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.
Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs. That's what they should teach us here. How girls' brains work... It would be more useful than divination, anyway...
We'd get sick on too many cookies, but ever so much sicker on no cookies at all.
There are two insults which no human being will endure: The assertion that he hasn't a sense of humor, and the doubly impertinent assertion that he has never known trouble. "You," Said Dr. Yavitch, "are a middle-road liberal, and you haven't the slightest idea what you want. I, being a revolutionist, know exactly what I want - and what I want now is a drink. The cocktail filled him with a whirling exhilaration behind which he was aware of devastating desires—to rush places in fast motors, to kiss girls, to sing, to be witty. ... He perceived that he had gifts of profligacy which had been neglected. She did her work with the thoroughness of a mind which reveres details and never quite understands them.
If travel were so inspiring and informing a business...then the wisest men in the world would be deck hands on tramp steamers, Pullman porters, and Mormon missionaries. If that woman is on the side of the angels, then I have no choice; I must be on the side of the devil. Well, if that's what you call being at peace, for heaven's sake just warn me before you go to war, will you? Being a man given to oratory and high principles, he enjoyed the sound of his own vocabulary and the warmth of his own virtue. Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. She bought a budget-plan account book and made her budgets as exact as budgets are likely to be when they lack budgets. The game (baseball) was a custom of his clan, and it gave outlet for the homicidal and sides-taking instincts which Babbitt called "patriotism" and "love of sport." The author says one character's definition of a classic is any book he'd heard of before he was thirty. The greatest mystery about a human being is not his reaction to sex or praise, but the manner in which he contrives to put in twenty-four hours a day. He had, in fact, got everything from the church and Sunday School, except, perhaps, any longing whatever for decency and kindness and reason. She had so painfully reared three sons to be Christian gentlemen that one of them had become an Omaha bartender, one a professor of Greek, and one, Cyrus N. Bogart, a boy of fourteen who was still at home, the most brazen member of the toughest gang in Boytown. Elmer Gantry never knew who set him thirty dimes, wrapped in a tract about holiness, not why. But he found the sentiments in the tract useful in his sermon, and the thirty dimes he spent for lovely photographs of burlesque ladies.
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different. If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind. About astrology and palmistry: they are good because they make people vivid and full of possibilities. They are communism at its best. Everybody has a birthday and almost everybody has a palm. Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.